Comment by Kristine Salinas on August 14, 2012 at 4:49pm

I have the same exact feelings as you. My husband will want to take me shopping, I'll get happy about it, but then I go, and try on things, and absolutely nothing fits or looks good on me, at least in my eyes, and I just end up leaving hating my body even more. I have three kids, my two older ones I had back to back, they're 8 and 7, and I also have a 1 year old. The last two really stretched me out, so my stomach just looks so ugly now. It's like no matter how much my husband tells me I'm beautiful or gorgeous, I just can't believe it. I'm so self conscious in anything I wear. It's really taken a toll on me to where it just makes me depressed at times :/

Comment by Alexis Pelow on August 14, 2012 at 5:02pm

I'm the exact same, shopping used to be my favorite thing in the world, and now i hate trying on clothes, even when i'm at home and i have to get dressed up to go somewhere, i dont feel like i look good in anything.. I wish i could just figure out a way to get my body the way i want it. I've tried everything!

Comment by Desilu on August 14, 2012 at 7:02pm

ok, i think the ^above^ commenter needs to be booted - check out the profile; I think he's only here to spam us and look at the "girlie pics." That being said...

I went through what you're going through until I turned about 30yrs old. Hopefully, you'll realize what I finally did: my body has been through so much and is still working, supporting, and giving me life that I cannot continue to treat it like crap. That being said (I think it's my favorite phrase)... one of the reasons I love the PUG look and try to live it (beyond the fact that I have been a vintage lover since I was born) is that it helps present the figure and look that I think I should have (even on those days where my figure is not working with me, like days I'm bloated, etc).

I too gained an insane amount of weight when I walked in to give birth to my 9lb, 11.4oz son at the age of 23. I went from 125 to 200lbs. I actually had one doctor yell at me for gaining so much weight, even though I was eating healthily for the first time in my life, and I exercised regularly (I was in college, so I took yoga, weight training, as well as walked every where I went because I didn't have a car). I also worked until I was 37 weeks and finally went on leave because my boss was having an anxiety attack everytime I worked (one of my co-workers went in to labor at work, so he was paranoid that I was going to do the same thing). I never lost all of the weight, and it didn't really affect me until about 10months after I gave birth (which was a c-section after 36.5hours of labor). About that time, the blues finally lifted and I was trying to figure out how to live with my new size. About 3 years after I had my son, I finally got back down to 135, but it wasn't due to anything in particular - I worked an insane amount of hours at a hospital psych unit, I had a toddler, and I was finishing my Bachelor's, so I think not focusing on it and just doing life worked for me. I also focused on eating better because I wanted my son to have a healthier childhood than I did, so I tried to make sure he ate well (which meant that I also had to eat well, because toddlers don't do it unless you do it too).

About that time, I got married. It was about 1 yr into a verbally and psychologically abusive marriage when I started to gain weight. Part of it was what we were eating, alot of it was due to stress (look up cortisol belly on google and you'll see what I mean). I struggled to keep a failing marriage together, while being an essentially single parent (my ex's job took him out of town several days at a time, several times a week as a conductor for a railroad), and working 40+ hours a week and going to school online for my MBA. Added to the stress were a very mean and unsupportive in-law family (they hated me, so I hated spending time with them) that ate horribly, and my side of the family who were closing themselves off when my cousin started having kids. I became unemployed during this time, and I actually worked out at the gym at our apartment complex, but couldn't control the weight (which made things with my ex worse). By this time, I was on medication for chronic pain because of a slip & fall accident at work. No one mentioned that the medication would cause severe carb cravings (think pregnancy cravings x 100) and weight gain.

Fast forward to 2006: my marriage failed, which let me actually sleep a good deep needed sleep for the first time in over 4years (who knew?? I wasn't upset; quite the opposite, I was relieved). But I was also stressed more because my income wasn't enough to support me and my son on our own, and I left the marriage with nothing more than my name and my son (which was more than enough for me). About a year after this, we became homeless, despite my working for the County as a social worker. We lived in a hotel for about 2 months before I had no choice but to move home with my mother in Los Angeles. I hadn't been home in 15years, and I had no way of transferring jobs, so I was going down unemployed as well. Because of the eviction, we lost everything but the clothes we had and a few pics (please please please: when taking pics of your kids, back them up on cd, flash drive, whatever... my ex kept our computer, so I lost all of my son's pictures from ages 2-6, then lost the rest when we were evicted... that would be my biggest regret). We slept on the living room floor for 3yrs, when the issues my son had developed from everything that had gone on in his life to that point, including a drug addiction to pot he developed at the local teen center - my mom kicked us out. We ended up in a hotel for a week, then a shelter for 2 months (of hell) and then a hotel again. During this time, my weight re-ballooned to 200lbs, I was depressed, and in spite of not having a huge caloric intake, I couldn't lose weight. Things with my son became worse (which is a whole other discussion), and I did what I needed to do. He's now with his father, and my stress level decreased when I became employed (finally!), my son was where he needed to be and getting the help he needed, and in spite of living in a garage closet (yes, closet), I had a roof over my head, I started to lose the weight.

I am down to about 165 now. This is the lowest I have been at in over 5 years. I can honestly say that it was stress and medication that kept me as big as I was. When I was 30, I decided that my body needed my support in staying healthy, so in spite of whatever weight I was at, I was not going to mentally bash myself, but give it the food and nutrients it needed as well as to provide it the exercise it needed. My worst vice is smoking, which I am constantly battling to quit. I decided to find clothing that actually fit my body, regardless of the size on the label. This is how I discovered PUG; I already had a love of vintage, but the proportions and the designs of PUG clothing emphasized the "right" curves and helped hide a multitude of flaws... this helped to keep me from mentally bashing my body. I'm not saying it was easy, and I'm not saying my body is perfect... far from the ideal body we see out in the world's images. But it is MY body, no one else's; it has survived 2 sexual assaults, a difficult pregnancy and delivery, an abusive marriage, and such severe stress that most people would have ended up in a psych ward from severe depression, a dislocated disc in my spine with it's medications for chronic pain, and genetics that favor heart disease, skin cancer and obesity. And it continues to pump blood, providing me with the ability to finally live the life I want and deserve. I hope, truly hope, that you will look at my story and see the parallels, and learn early what it took me years to learn. I hope you learn to love the body you have, in spite of it's "flaws," and live life to the fullest. Therapy for any stress or depression or anxiety may help with more than your psychological well-being, it may help with you losing weight as well. And as long as you're healthy, that should be what message you send your children (please remember that they really do pick up on your insecurities and complaining about your body, at an early age, which will affect how they see not only themselves, but everyone else, as they grow). 

Ok, I know that was long and I shared waaaaaaay too much, but I hope it helps you. You are a beautiful person regardless of what a scale says; a scale or a number should not be what you want to define you. I hope you learn that soon.

Much PUG love & kisses (and support should you ever need/want it!),

Jenn =)

Comment by Alexis Pelow on August 16, 2012 at 10:05am

Thank you so much Jenn :) I really enjoyed reading your comment 

PUG love & Kisses <3

Comment by Tahitia Belle Fille on September 4, 2012 at 9:51pm

First, hugs to you both! I'm just so glad that we are able to send support to each other like this. I think it's something that was HEAVILY needed.

I myself have had my weight go up and down drastically as well. Though the most difficult time was when I had significantly gained weight. It wasn't so much the weight gain but what was going on at the time. I was depressed because I had been unemployed in my nursing career for quite some time and that really got to me. Mainly because I felt my calling was to be a nurse and I was beginning to doubt that, leading to more unhealthy thoughts and habits.

But I was able to survive through it with my husband as well as the help of loving friends and family. And as a result I too made the decision to take better care of my body through exercise and healthier food options just as Alexis Pelow had done. My husband showed me that I needed to truly love myself  as well as stay positive and that only then would I be free of the depression. And well, he was right! :) 

Anyways, just wanted to let you guys know that you have another hand to reach out to and another source for hugs for WHENEVER they may be needed! 

Hugs, take care and have fun you beautiful ladies!

Tahitia :)

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